Why I say yes when I mean no

How guilt and desire to not be viewed as rude impact my life

This week I spent a little bit of time being annoyed with myself. Twice in a short period of time I’ve said no, only to go against my better judgment later, agree to something that I truly didn’t want.

One example occurred at my front door; expecting to see my in-laws I answered the doorbell to find a representative for Plan Canada, wanting my support. I had recently cancelled a monthly contribution to a similar organization as I decided to make my charitable contributions locally when I can versus a monthly obligation. In my current self-employed status, income levels vary, therefore I prefer gifting on a month-to-month basis.

The young man at the door told me that he was currently collecting one-time donations towards trafficked young girls, and women. That pulled my heart strings as this is a topic that has been on my mind lately and I want to help. I agreed to do a one-time donation. When I told him the amount which I wanted to contribute, he said that was too much, and that they preferred to spread that out over time. How do you spread a one-time donation overtime I thought? After giving him a whole bunch of my information, he informed me that it’s not actually one time. It’s actually a monthly donation that I can stop at any time.

I was a little taken aback and probably should’ve just said no thank you at that point; I am not sure why I did not send him on his merry way, fibber that he was. We carried on with the conversation where he gave me some false flattery, which really turned me off. I don’t need you to guess my birthday so you can pretend you think I am younger than my age. Ironically, he guessed four years older which was hilarious to me. I should’ve just cut him off and sent him on his merry way. Why didn’t I? He proceeded to tell me that I would have to give my credit card information to someone in the home office, and that they would ask me if he clarified it was a long-term donation and not one-time only. Could I please tell them that he told me it was long-term so he doesn’t get into trouble? I did that as well. What the heck!?! Why am I lying on behalf of this guy I just met?

My husband and I had a good chat about that; he said it was because we were taught not to be rude. How Canadian! I didn’t want to make a scene and by this time my in-laws were waiting in the living room and I did not want a scene.

I made my monthly commitment for a much smaller amount than I was prepared to give in a one-shot deal, after three months I will have reached the original amount and I will cancel it. Next time I will just answer the door with, sorry, we have donated our limit for the year and have a nice day!

The second example was an online party that I didn’t want to be a part of, but I agreed to join so my friend would have enough people there. I was assured that I didn’t have to buy anything and I should have known that would not be the case for me. I always get swept up in the buying frenzy and the feeling that I should buy something to support my friend. I’m not going to say anything bad about the things I purchased, only that I really didn’t need them and that the money was to go somewhere else. Once again didn’t I stand by my original no thank you? Why did I not honour my gut? I wanted to be nice to my friend. At some point I really need to start being nice to myself. The money I spent on the things I purchased could’ve gone towards more camping trips, or other things that are on my list of things I truly desire.

I am strong, I know what I’m here to do, and I think part of it is to make waves. I need to quit playing in the splash pool with the donkeys. Wade in, trust the water, and swim with the whales.

Why donkeys you might ask? I was trying to be polite and not say jackasses! There. I go again lol. I’m not even sure that these people are jackasses, they are simply swept up in indoctrination. I am certainly not referring to my friend who hosted the party, she loves the things she was having the party on and wanted to share her love with others. That’s perfectly fine. I’m talking about the big stinky cheese of these companies and their shoddy sales practices. There are ethical ways to sell and it’s about time I personally joined the wave that says a defiant NO to guilt, shame, and the need to be nice game.

A good friend of mine relayed a story about someone she knew who signed up to sell a certain makeup line which shall not be named so as not to be liable for slander, and also because I don’t wish to give them additional exposure. In the training, they were literally told to guilt their friends into coming to the parties. Tell them that you need experience and you need people there to practice with. Once they’re in the room, then they become targets to guilt into buying, or swept up in the party and the crowd mentality of spend, spend, spend. I’m pretty sure that those salespeople’s target audience shrink rapidly because who wants a friend who's going to guilt you and spending money you don’t have on things you don’t need? Not a very good long-term marketing plan if you ask me.

I remember when I was young and Amway was a big thing and you just knew the Amway people by the way they spoke to you. There was one specific example where I said to my now ex-husband that his friends were going to try to get us to join Amway. He was so offended that I would think that about his friend… until we got there and sure enough, they wanted us to join Amway. The unspoken “I told you so” I sent him across the room was palpable.

Canadian or not, I am done saying yes when I mean no. How about you? How often are you not listening to your gut, or agreeing to the things you really do not want to have, be, or do in life?

Maybe I’m just reaching that cranky old woman stage? Anybody know what age that is supposed to kick in? ;)

Maxine comic by John Wagner… Shoebox Greetings