Unsolicited advice

To give or not to give, that is the question...

A recent client consultation inspired me to give thought to how often people offer advice and opinions to others without being asked for it. In this particular case, my client is an elderly person who, finding herself alone for the first time in her life, was being pressured not to BE alone at all. Her children and siblings have her travelling hither and yon, exhausting and inadvertently isolating her in the process. When I asked her what she truly desired, her reply was that she would like to be in the quiet of her home, rising as she pleased, getting dressed if she wished, and enjoying a large pile of books that await her attention. She did not realize she had a choice in the matter and could spend her days doing what she chose; her children made assumptions about her well-being without asking her what she truly desired. She was not home for long enough at a time to make new friends, explore art, or fitness programs designed for people of her age to meet others.

A while back in 2020, at the beginning of what I like to call The Great Pause, a friend accused me of providing her with unsolicited advice. At first, my feelings were hurt as I saw her diving back into a relationship for no less than the third time with a man who seemed hell bent on treating her poorly. She informed me that she did not appreciate my suggestion that she remain cautious, not selling her home to move closer to him as she was considering, until she truly determined that the relationship was going to work out for her. Although I stand by my words and thank heavens she did not move and they broke up before any rash decisions were made, it gave me cause to pause and evaluate my words, as well as my friendship with that individual but that is another and different story.

A year ago, I was introduced to Human Design, wherein I discovered I am a Manifesting Generator. One of the key things I learned was about Strategy which is “to respond”. Upon further investigation, I learned that I should respond with the guidance of the following two questions:

Is this a question I have been asked to answer?

Is this a problem that I have been asked to solve?

In the case of my friend, she did not ask me a question; she was telling me of her hopes, dreams, and possible plans. I responded asking her questions to confirm she had thought this through, pointing out the less than favourable experiences she had with him in the past and reminding her that she was worth someone loving fully and completely. She did not appreciate my poking holes in her dreams. If I could roll back time, I would ask her if she is simply sharing with me or open to my thoughts on the matter; because not only was it NOT a problem she asked me to solve, in her eyes it was not a problem at all and who I am to take her dreams and life lessons away from her?

Back to my client for a moment: she was raised in a culture where there the man of the house made all the decisions, now she is free to make her own decisions, if she recognizes that fact and chooses to be autonomous. Her kids are inviting her to their homes so she is not alone. However, when she gets there, they are busy doing the things that their stage in life demands of them and she is essentially alone anyways, just in someone else’s home. This leads me to wonder how many times we are making assumptions about someone else’s happiness and then putting our judgement onto them, forcing our solution on them for a problem that did not even exist for them in the first place… whew!

What’s the point?

Is this a question I have been asked to answer?

Is this a problem that I have been asked to solve?

Perhaps we should ask our loved ones, friends, and anyone else whose life we might judge to be incomplete for their insights and opinions before lobbying our solutions and judgements on their lives.

You know what else? Living my life through the guidance of those two questions has freed me from some self-designated role of being the Captain of the World; that cape was excruciatingly heavy!

Unsolicited advice? Let’s just keep it to ourselves until we are asked and then even at that point, let’s be clear about what problem we are being asked to solve before we speak.

I would love to hear your thoughts, opinions, and stories about this piece… I write to inspire conversation, change, and a more loving world for all of us.