This book had been drawing my attention for some time now; when a single copy called to me from the shelf of my favourite bookstore, I could no longer resist. The story is a fantasy based in the 50’s and 60’s but with relevant ties to the social issues of today.
The passage that inspired today’s Substack is below:
“Anger is a funny thing. And it does funny things to us if we keep it inside. I encourage you to consider a question: who benefits, my dear, when you force yourself to not feel angry?”
This quote stopped me in my tracks. I had to put the book down and just sit with my thoughts for a moment. How many times had I stifled anger in order to go with the flow, to keep the peace, and not make waves in my life?
I read the quote to my husband, who if you are only just finding my newsletter now, is my second husband; we joke that we both had starter marriages and this one is the entree and dessert! He responded that he was struck by the quote as well. He listens to a lot of Reddit stories during his workday as he has to drive all over the city. There are so many stories of people who did not pay attention to how they felt, be it anger or other warnings that surfaced as emotions, going on for years before they truly acknowledged that the body warning led to truth.
I remember the feeling during my first wedding very clearly. As I walked up the aisle, I was not feeling joy and excitement… I was scared and fairly certain I was making a mistake. This is not to say that I regret my decision to be married and have four amazing children as I have zero regrets about that. I also do not think I would be the woman I am today without those lessons and experiences. However, I left a good deal of who I am off the table in that marriage.
Anger was something I rejected strongly. The father of my children would yell and say things to them that he truly did not mean. “I’m going to tear you a new one” and stuff like that. I felt dragon fire rise inside of me when he would get angry and I tamped it down “to keep the peace”. One of us had to be calm, I would tell myself.
When I felt anger, I renamed it something more acceptable if I dared speak about it at all.
I am not happy with…
I feel upset about…
I am disappointed in…
I am frustrated…
Eventually the anger morphed into depression, high blood pressure, and a disconnection from the father of my children. When asked to choose between one’s children and their father, most mothers, I believe, would side with me and choose the kids. He asked me that once, and I told him the truth. That was not well received. Another lesson in keeping my lips sealed. I must be clear, he was not a violent person, but his words cut my gentle soul like a knife.
Words matter, I would say.
They are just words, I don’t actually mean them, he would reply.
I definitely felt anger but did not unleash it very often.
How many times do we make the choice in life to edit our feelings and crop out anything that might be deemed unacceptable?
Eventually I made friends with anger and allowed it to fuel my departure from the marriage.
Anger is a necessary emotion and it can be used as a tool or a weapon. The internet defines it as:
The adrenal glands flood the body with stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. The brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for physical exertion. Heart rate, blood pressure and respiration increase, the body temperature rises and the skin perspires.
When one allows this feeling and its associated symptoms to flow through, taking a moment to feel and examine the reason for the feelings, anger can be a great teacher. In my case, it could have taught me that I was not okay with certain beliefs, actions, and behaviour, therefore I should not hitch my cart to that particular horse and ride off into the sunset with it.
Earth is a water planet and, in my studies, I associate water with emotion. I believe we come here as spiritual beings to have a human experience on Earth. That means we come to sample every emotion on the scale. I love Abraham Hicks’ Emotional Guidance Scale below and often send it to clients who are going through low periods in their life so they can mark where they are at; noting progress in increments as they move up.
I would have to say that there were times when I was at the bottom, feeling powerless to change my situation, feeling unworthy, like there was no exit from this corner I had put myself in.
Now, I am in a very different place. I rarely find myself filled with anger, not because I am suppressing it but because I am more accepting of the choices of others while recognizing that I have the choice not to spend my precious moments with them. When I do feel rage, the response is not hatred or revenge, it is to question what can I do with my power and voice to change the situation I am raging about.
If you take one thing away from this entry, please let it be that you have the right to feel everything that you feel. Name it. Claim it. Feel it all the way through to the other side and then spend some time to understand the root cause of the feeling. Does it have something to do with the present moment? Is it a reminder of past experiences that made you feel the same way? What can you do about the situation? What choice can you make to remove yourself and then channel that angry power into making the change?
Anger is not our enemy unless we use it as a weapon. We can allow white hot rage to take us over, doing and saying things we may regret; alternatively, we can use that power to move forward out of danger, away from frustration, and ultimately into a better life. Tamping it down only works for so long and then the powder keg of anger must explode somewhere… That might be outside the body harming others, or inside the body harming ourselves.
“…Who benefits, my dear, when you force yourself to not feel angry?”
The answer to this question is most definitely not you just as it was not me who benefited.
Why are you angry? What do you need that you are not getting? Do you have the security and safety you require? Look at the list and find the unmet need, then find a way to meet it.
If you are blocking any feelings, I strongly recommend you talk to someone; a friend, your partner, or maybe a professional. YOU are not served by forcing yourself to push away any feelings, even anger.