The Mother Wound: Part Two

In order to understand the present, it is necessary to revisit the past…

Mom, Dad, and little old me at age three…

October 22, 2022 - Right from the journal pages…

Mom went back to the hospital and has been there for over week or so. My brother left to head back home today after flying home for a quick weekend visit. Mom should be discharged tomorrow.

This has been a really trying time for me. Seeing Mom in the hospital, looking so small and frail. Her mind was very foggy; she clung to all her belongings, surrounding herself with them in the bed. It was very sad somehow to realize how many trust issues she has.

It really is an unbalanced relationship I have with her. She takes from me and gives little in return, not even credit or thanks for what I do, then turns around and fawns all over my brother and husband. During the past week and a half, I have played the dutiful daughter role, going to see her almost every day. I have kept my mouth shut when she forgot things and barked at me that I was wrong about details; even when she contradicted her own words from mere minutes before.

I tried to sort things with the nurses and doctors to get the facts straight about her condition. I explained to her nurse that mom often forgets things now or gets them confused. Mom later told me about a conversation between her and the nurse.

“I told the nurse that you said I have a bad memory. The nurse said maybe you don’t have a very good daughter.”

That was the end of the story. There had been no defending of me or mentioning that I was there every day, shutting down my business to take care of her needs; only leaving me with the impression that the nurse thinks I am a bad daughter and my mother doesn’t think it is necessary to correct her.

There was no working television in mom’s room so I took her an inspirational book to read. I thought it might cheer her up and give her some hope. She told my brother that she did not like the book, and instructed him not share that with me. That seemed so weird to me. What is the harm in saying, I do not care for this book, thank you. I have decided that I am no longer keeping that particular family tradition. In fact, I have decided right now to tell her that she should not tell me things she does not want other people to know. If she has something to say about someone she should say it directly to them. I do not wish to be the repository for her complaints or opinions of others anymore.

I am going to keep being the best person I am able to be. I will be as kind as I am able but I am not going to be a doormat anymore.

October 25, 2022

What does my soul want me to know right now?

The buck stops here.

This is a good decision on your part. There is zero need for unhealthy family traditions to go on. It truly is time for your family to ditch all the horrible secrets of the past.

Leave the past atrocities there, IN THE PAST.

It does no one any good to load up the subconscious mind. Also, it is possible for people to change. It is possible for people to even choose to treat individual family members differently.

Your personal experience contains your personal lessons. The fact that you stood up to your dad and demanded to be treated differently DOES MATTER. The fact that you forgave him does matter. It mattered to him and it makes a difference to your family line for future generations, as well as healing into the past.

Your beliefs about old wound healing mattering in a nonlinear-timeline-impacting-way IS correct. You and your cousins are changing things in the field for the better.

Keep it going.

It is also acceptable for you to hold your mom accountable for her impact on you, just as you did your dad long ago. She needs to understand she is not the only victim. Her words and deeds also have consequences. Perhaps she will change, perhaps she will not, but your refusal to be a living garbage bin for all the trash memories and horrible experiences matters. It will make a difference to the field and most importantly, it will make a difference to YOUR experience of her and her experience of you.

Her untold history had an impact on you growing up. There were unspoken words allowing that your brother was allowed to spend his time as he wished, where you had to buy your freedom through chores. You adopted a belief that you must do enough to earn the right to spend your childhood hours in a childlike way.

What a grand heist that was! To convince a child that they must be worthy of spending time away from home, yet to tell them that they are to be seen and not heard when present.

It is understandable that you had no idea what good behaviors consisted of, nor that you took your turn at using manipulation.

You were ripe for the pickings in your first marriage. Jaret, on the other hand, reached down to give you a hand right away when you attempted to prostrate yourself for him.

Your time to silently suffer is done. It is time to use your voice, connected to your gut’s wisdom and filtered through the compassion of your heart to stand your ground.

This is good. It is time. You need this for your growth. Put these experiences in your program, then in your book. Those who dare to open the pages must be ready to see the truth. Those who are offended by your rendition of their treatment of you should have treated you better or explained themselves to you.

It is good you worked hard and gained a good, solid reputation with which you EARNED positions and an abundant life.

You have experienced, time and again, your ability to earn and build a comfortable existence. Trust that the flood of abundance will continue. The taps are on and you will be well watered.

Pay your way with an attitude of gratitude. Share a you have in the past and stop fearing that lack is lurking in the shadows waiting to get you. It is not happening.

You are a teacher and a healer; as such, you will be provided for.

Trust in the Universe.

Trust in your light.

Trust in your value.

Notes to self:

I am the light.

I am the truth.

I am the love.

I am.

Words of Blossom Goodchild, channeling her guide, White Cloud.

I am worthy of all the good things that come to me.

I am deserving of all the good in my life.

I do not ow the world for my abundance and good fortune, however, I can choose to share with an abundant heart as I see fit. This applies to wealth and time.

I do not need another’s approval of my life choices. I do not need permission to enjoy the fruits of my labour. I can simply do that because life is here for me to enjoy.

I am responsible for what I say and it is important to say the words that weigh heavily on me, as long as I do so without malice or intent to do harm. I have a right to my opinion. I have a right to voice it, and others have a right to agree or not, equally.

October 28, 2022

What does my Soul want to tell me today?

You sometimes allow your mind to be your worst enemy. You do not hae to imagine the worst-case scenario. You don’t have to be a victim, and you don’t have to go to war.

You could set boundaries with love and anticipate people complying easily with your requests.

Live your life with Grace and Ease.

Imagine your life with Grace and Ease.

Epiphany

There are many people who choose to leave an abusive relationship, job, or situation but still suffer; the effects continue years later.

They unlock the door to their cell, are free or the prison, yet the jailer still controls their mind.

Repeating the old stories of “somebody did me wrong” keeps the emotion alive in the emotional body as if the situation was happening in the present.

We must neutralize those memories to take the emotional charge away, while retaining the lesson.

When sharing our experiences with others, it is good to consult the Buddhist tenet of right speech:

Before speaking one should ask:

Is it kind?

Is it true?

Is it necessary?

When we tell our friends, family, or acquaintances our sad or horrifying stories, they may empathize and share our pain. Is this something we want to pass on to the next person? Especially our offspring? Or is it better that we heal it and ensure the buck stops with us?

I promise this will have a happy ending. My spirit of intent in sharing my relationship with my mother is to let others know that they are not alone if their lives mirror mine. It is not to malign her in any way, or for you to see me as the victim in this story. My story is one of healing and growth, as you will see if you care to continue to follow this series.

Thank you for spending your time and attention reading My Weird and Wonderful Life.