The Mother Wound: Part Ten
The Mother Wound: Part Ten
Doctor it hurts when I do that, but I don't know how to stop...
This is a continuation of my journey to heal The Mother Wound. The following is pulled straight out of the Morning Pages of my journal.
March 5, 2023
What does my Soul want me to know today?
Now is the right time to expand in ways that you feel an attraction to. You do not need to be afraid to share your truth and the outcomes of your life lessons, as long as you do so with humility and grace. You are neither the victim nor the villain. You are both and neither.
This is life. These are lessons.
March 6, 2023
My mother is a curiosity. She reached out today about my Substack account making sure she was subscribed. She is. I am curious as to why she wants to read about my life but she does not want to ask about it when we speak. She takes up all the oxygen talking about other people, and a tiny bit about herself.
Jaret says she is curious and this is her way of connecting with my life. She is odd.
The Creative* is going through another bout of depression. I feel bad for them but also irritated. I feel bad for their fiancé, it is like every time they start to get ahead, The Creative drops their bottom and they fall behind again. Part of me just wants to bow out of supporting them. It can be exhausting. I do not like to quit on people. Deep sigh.
Is it wrong that I lose patience with The Creative and their seemingly endless sources of trauma? I reached out to them today to see how they were doing and to tell them about the Master class. They told me they are having a depressive episode. They could did not finish the work for their client today so they rescheduled. I do not feel neutral. I feel annoyed. They have absolutely zero control over their emotions. It seems like their days are driven from everyone else, but themself. They can be cruising along, making headway then something from twenty years ago sets them back. I cannot imagine how it would feel to be them; I also get exhausted giving support. I do not think I am the right person with the right qualifications to help them
It is exhausting to have to go through all the steps with them every time.
Jaret and I are watching Monk; Monk and The Creative have a lot in common. I am definitely not as patient as Monk’s therapists are. Although his therapist gets paid AND there are boundaries between the personal life and professional appointments. I do not want to quit on them, but I definitely need to stop letting their trauma and drama affect me. Also, I do not profess to be a therapist
They are a part of my story and there must be a contract here to explore. If they were my student and my daughter in past lives, why are they this way? Have I failed them in some way, or is that the lesson, that I can lead them to water but I cannot force them to drink?
They have to find their way to the light. I can point it out but I cannot help them reach it or be in charge of how they see it. That is up to them.
March 7, 2023
I just returned from dropping my eldest son at the airport. He is going to work in the Kelowna/Kamloops area for a week. He was so nervous today. The line up for tickets was long. There were a ton of people flying to warmer climes.
I wish I had not planted the big old not-good-enough seed in my sons. This is a family heirloom, this seed. My ancestors have planted and harvested the not-good-enough for decades, feasting upon it.
The not-good-enough thrives on alcohol or food addiction, some later strains upgraded to drugs. The addiction of choice to nurture and sooth my not-good-enough was food: crunchy salty food. I would eat it until I was numb; properties that carbs possess numb the body, and therefore mind by way of their effect on the body, providing temporary relief from the thoughts of the not-good-enough.
I wish I had not passed this on to my kids. Their father also had his own strain of the not-good-enough; he numbed in his own ways, and his metabolism is higher than mine, therefore the effects were not as immediately apparent in him. Two of our sons are built like him.
My hope is that the work I am doing on ancient wounds can travel through our web and help them too.
Life can be hard.
March 8, 2023
Today, I do not have as many thoughts running rampant. I am allowing other people’s drama to be their own. I would like to check in on The Creative to see how they are doing but it is exhausting to hear the same stories over and again. Watching Monk has been enlightening to see how hard it is for a neurodivergent person, as well as those around them.
Did Monk’s brain start out that broken, or did the lack of nurturing impact his mind? How would he have evolved if he had someone to care for him from the beginning? Or is that the trap we caregivers fall into? If I can just love them enough then maybe they would be okay.
Interesting thoughts.
The feedback on my loyalty card idea has been positive from several people. The Creative, on the other hand, thought it was too generous to give a free session after five paid ones. They thought that a discount would be enough.
I like the idea of rewarding repeat clients who treat themselves, and who make it a priority to seek help. I honestly do not see a problem with giving back to those who choose me.
The Creative has had an entire year of free services and still tends to drain me. It does not feel like I help them at all; the other day, they were talking about how another of their friend’s support was so helpful, then, oh but you help too. Well, if my help is not helpful, then you should stop taking up all my time.
I should stop allowing it.
March 9, 2023
Last night I attended Bonnie Bogner’s Galactic Conversations. The Galactic Council had a strong message for me about choosing when to help and when to respond. The strongest message was to not be a martyr. I needed to hear that. When I take time to respond when I want to be doing something else, or simply need peace and I drop what I am doing for someone else’s emergency, I am doing a disservice to everyone. I am not bringing my best to the conversation and I am also not honouring myself or my own needs.
I think about other people’s problems a lot of the time; how maybe I could help solve them or how I wish they could be better. It is not my business to solve problems I have not been asked to, nor to answer questions not asked of me.
I am here to help when asked, the rest of the time, I could just enjoy life, read books, author books, or create art. I could be living a calm and peaceful existence.
I consumed a bag of chips and it did not help my energy level. I do not think I even enjoyed them, they dry out my mouth, make my teeth gross and my body inflamed. Why do I go there? Is it because I have been dealing with my mom again? I feel like that has been going well, from my end. I have been answering questions and I think I'm not getting wound up; maybe internally I still am.
Today the words have come to the page more slowly, maybe because I am experiencing tiredness, or maybe because I do not have a tornado of worries whirling around in my head.
During the Reiki Master class, I read Dr. Usui’s story and it opened up something in me. When I was at Bonnie’s class, we went through the chakras and I learned something new. I had not thought of the messages that I get through numbers and music as clairvoyance. It opened up new possibilities for how long the connection to my higher self has been there. With that definition in place, I have been getting messages in books and music for an exceptionally long time.
Dreams also had messages; when I was a preteen, I dreamt of flying at night. The magic has been around for an extraordinarily long time. These are comforting thoughts.
I love my connected life. I want to experience more magic, more miracles, and MORE LOVE! I am open to all the gifts, magic, and abundance the world has for me. I allow the good things to come to me and embrace my gifts with open arms. I allow the connection to Christ Consciousness of love and light. I thank God for choosing to allow us to separate so we can experience, learn, and grow.
I am the Light.
I am the Love.
I am the Truth.
I AM.
Mantra from Blossom Goodchild and White Feather.
Thank you for spending your precious time with me. My spirit of intent in sharing this journey is that someone might feel less alone and know that there is a light at the end of this Mother Wound, people pleasing tunnel and it is not a train.