The Mother Wound: Part Eleven
Photograph is the author on the Big Island of Hawaii.
March 19, 2023
Today, I will teach Reiki 2nd degree to a single soul. She told me that my Reiki 1st degree class turned her worldview upside down in the best possible way. I definitely did not intend to upend her life; my intent is to help people open their hearts to self-love.
There are many useful things I learned in the corporate world which are useful to me in my current business; between those classes and my own self-study, I gained communication skills and consideration that not everyone has learned. By consideration, I mean considering the source when listening; who am I granting authority over my thoughts, beliefs, and actions? Some guy, who by default of being at a job longer than me, or having some imaginary title, does not automatically know more about how I should be in the world.
At times people are too quick to give up our own intuition and inherent qualities in favour of another’s whim. Some people with a little power use it as an opportunity to play with the feelings of those they view beneath them; those with tender feelings and sensitivity are not less than, they are differently abled, perhaps in ways more beneficial to humanity.
There are days where I am tired of the world we live in; the harsh rules with even harsher people in power, those with money who lord over those without. I look forward to the day when the abundance of the world is known, when people do not have to grovel at the feet of the cruel to survive.
Lord, please help me find more people like today’s student who I can teach and help open up to the possibilities of the world. Help me spread the idea of Oneness and Being Love.
That lovely man in Hawaii said I know what love is and I would like to do the things I am supposed to be doing to help spread that knowledge and understanding or innerstanding as some like to call it.
Maybe I already am doing this and I do not give myself enough credit…
In class today, the student shared that she wanted to be a veterinarian when she was young, however she was told by those in authority that she was not smart enough for that, and she chose to be a veterinarian’s assistant instead. I wish people would support one another’s dreams rather than snuffing them out. Who knows where her gifts would have taken her, had she been encouraged as a young girl.
During our catch up in class the woman told me that she had never thought about life and Oneness before she, that my class opened her up to a whole new world of thought.
March 21, 2023
I want everyone to be successful, abundant and held in the world with strong and gentle arms. Life is good. It is wonderful to help people find their power, the power of their self-love; finding who they truly are.
For my own self, I am truly letting go. I do not need to own the victories of my clients or students. If I have been the baking soda in their biscuits, that is enough. They already had all the magical ingredients inside of the, they just need to find it, believe it, and have a little activation. If I can be that for others, I am blessed.
I am here to help, to serve, to love, to share my spark; then go back to quiet. It is enough for me.
I always thought I wanted the spotlight, the fame, the validation; now I am not sure. I want to touch the heart of another in the best way possible. I want to rest and enjoy life. I want to explore the world gently. I want the option of lazy days, when I need them like this morning.
I want to be the boss of my own life; when I look at busy weeks, I am aware I will need a break following the busy times.
I do not want unnecessary stress or to participate in drama. I will have to tread carefully with people like my creative friend, who is messaging me right now. When I saw their message pop up, my guts immediately tightened.
I want to have time and energy for the people I love and the people I have yet to meet to love in this life!
As I write today, I have the most lovely, gentle playlist in the background; a mix of old and new love songs, not songs that make me sad. Reflective, lovely, gentle, like the recap at the end of a biography. I am enjoying this immensely.
Today is a beautiful day and I choose to stay in this frame of mind.
March 22, 2023
I am very proud of myself for squashing my not-good-enough voice in favour of just getting out there to meet new people. Business at Sparks of Healing is picking up as well, which I think is a direct results of getting out into the world. In addition, I believe working on my own healing has massively affected my energy. A number of people have commented on how they felt my energy as soon as they met me which made them want to know more about me. That makes me feel good. I also feel calm and balanced. When I do my self-treatments, I do not feel much which I recognize is a good thing, indicating that I am at the right level so nothing is going to significantly shift with the treatments.
The recent Reiki student renewed my faith that every client gets what they need. She received so much during our time together. It is an honour to facilitate self-healing, to connect them to their higher selves, and inner wisdom.
I remember when I took my first Reiki class. I was going to change the world by fixing everyone else. Little did I know the key to happiness was inside me all along. I needed to change my attitude, adjust my boundaries, and make good choices about who I spend my time with.
I seem to have been a chameleon in the past; spending time with cranky, unhappy people made me behave the same. Now, I am careful to choose who I share energy with; the wrong person can drain me, this is especially true regarding depressed and mentally unbalanced people.
I feel positive about my future and the ability to have interesting experiences in life, around the world. There are many strong, interesting women who I am meeting right here in my own city. Each one has something to teach me. I feel my heart and mind opening up more each day.
I truly believe what I put out into the world comes back to me and with every heart I help open to self-love, the world becomes a little bit better.
I am at peace. It is an empty feeling, yet not empty in a bad way; I am not carrying the weight of the world today. Even now, I noticed that my son has not left for work yet and that fact did not fill me with fear. It is trying to creep into my gut and I am rejecting its crawl. My son is going to be fine in. He is finding his way, is well liked at his job, and is making plans for his future. I think the house will be less full without him here, but not empty. He is not here that much anyhow and the times is is present, is a bit of a tornado. I enjoy the times when my husband and I have the house to ourselves.
Photograph by the author - Sunset at Qualicum Beach, British Columbia
What does my Soul want me to know today?
You are doing exaclty as you planned now. AS you continue to clear away old, stuck stuff, you make room for more goodness to come through.
You know you cannot magically decide for people how to live their lives. You also cannot carry their burdens for them. They need to figure it out. It is exactly as you tell about how the Gods must live incarnate on Earth to make changes here. You cannot make decisions for others as you are not in their bodies, therefore cannot know all the parts and p9ieces of their lives. It would not be right to make a key decision in someone else’s life and then not be there to manage the fallout.
The people who come to see you must make decisions in their own time, just as you did with your first marriage. They must live their lessons according to their pans and take the time they need to decide what happens next.
We know it makes you sad to see someone living without joy, but it is their life to live as they choose. You can only inspire and influence them. That is all.
You do inspire through your writing.
March 24, 2023
I have begun reading “What do you mean the 3rd Dimension is Going Away?” by Jim Self and Roxane Burnett. This book was written in 2013 and is not new information for me, however, it summarizes information and ideas I have wondered about for years. It brings me great hope and joy when I see others dreaming of the same better world.
March 25, 2023
I visited with Mom yesterday. She reached out because she made two pumpkin pies and wanted to offer one to me. She talked about the old days, living in Coquitlam and her friends there. They were not bad stories, simply stories about the past.
I am happy she is knitting hats for the premie babies in the NICU. Her neighbour is taking the finished caps to the hospital. I hope it feels good for her to do something nice for the babies.
I feel neutral about visiting Mom. Today, I had no expectations of her, there is nothing I need from her that is not inside of me already. It feels peaceful to not be depending on someone else for my well being.
Last night, Jaret and I spent time together watching tv and talking. I wish there was more that I could do to help him. This is where he is choosing to be in his experience right now. That is not something I can say to him or anyone, that they are choosing their current experience. It is true though.
Why are you staying in a job that makes you miserable, Jaret? WE need the money to pay bills. We could move and have fewer bills. I do not want to move, he said. Well then, you are making a choice, aren’t you?
We make choices all the time and then convince ourselves we have no choice.
WE ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.
Regarding mom, I feel more supported by my brother these days. I am glad he is taking an interest and responsibility for her mental and emotional well being. He was full of justification for her behaviour though. It does not matter why she is doing these things. For me, it is not new, therefore not explainable with a neat diagnostic report. It is ongoing and partially her choice. She is living the result of her life choices. I am making choices that I can live with.
March 26, 2023
What does my Soul want me to know right now?
You are on the path you chose now. More and more, you are shedding the unworthiness that led to the behaviour you do not wish to resonate with.
Putting yourself on camera to speak authentically about how you feel and what you are doing will help people. Even if they are not drawn to work with you, they may be drawn to investigate the information you provide or simply to stoke the flames of their own inner spark.
Yesterday, your friend gave you a sign when she said she needed to do more work before she is ready to work with you. She is right. The experience you offer can be intense, and not everyone is like your recent Reiki student, who has a supportive husband, who can find her way through the light. HA!
You think that metaphor is incorrect usage but it is not. Just like finding one’s way through a dark room can be a shocking experience, finding oneself in the blinding light of love’s truth, can also be disorienting. A person will need to adjust more than just their eyes to see what you are revealing.
The Bowl of Light book alone is filled with so much love and truth. It is like the bible for you, of the seeds of understanding of the path, the journey to experience life on earth.
Get in front of the camera to generate conversations with people.
The hypnosis class you are taking will provide you with a map, but you will need to trek the steps yourself, at your own speed. You will choose your footwear, pace, and what tune to sing on the journey.
It is most important that you travel lightly, with love in your heart, and the expectation that you will enjoy the journey.
That is all.
March 26, 2023
The Artist Way by Julia Cameron – Chapter 7
Archeology of my life:
1. As a kid, I missed the chance to play, to just be a dreamer with no tasks. We worked a lot.
2. As a kid, I lacked safety. My home was filled with this undercurrent of danger, anger, and control.
3. As a kid, I could have used more love and acceptance.
4. As a kid, I dreamed of being a teacher, a singer, a rockstar.
5. As a kid, I wanted a dog to keep me company; someone to love.
6. In my house, we never had enough playtime, peace, or togetherness.
7. As a kid, I needed more acceptance of who I was and encouragement of my strengths. My strengths were critiqued as annoying and my attempts to help were not celebrated, instead critiqued in unkind ways.
8. I am sorry that I will never again see my father happy. There were a few times in the country, driving, fishing, and camping, where he seemed at peace. Now he is a villain to my mom, and she tries very hard to make me see only that version of him.
9. For years, I have wondered why my mom does not seem to love me.
10. I beat myself up about the loss of my innocence and my love of life.
Lesson learned:
Treating myself like a precious object will make me strong.
March 27, 2023
I have lots of writing to do. I was inspired by two different sources last week. The first was a short video that asked the following four questions:
1. What is the life you wanted for yourself as a child?
2. What is the life your parents wanted for you?
3. Which life are you living?
4. Are you happy?
Lots of people come to me with this exact issue. They are living the life that society told them would make them happy. This is not so. Every one of us came here with our own unique goals and gifts. We need to follow our own path, dream our own dream. We, out of billions of souls, were chosen to inhabit these bodies on Earth at this time, in order to add our own secret spice to the blend. If we only do what everyone else does, it will be bland. We will have regrets.
Many of the people I see simply do not realize they have a choice. Not every choice is easy, or without challenges, but there is always a choice.
I believe there is a version of the life we dreamed about as children which we can live in our adult lives.
I wanted to be a teacher. I admired the teachers who taught me to dream beyond the curriculum. In grade three, Mrs. Cannon taught us about other countries through stories, pictures, and experiences. She would have us research the topic, draw maps, write, cook, and use a tape recorder to tell what we learned. When we studied Hawaii, we made grass skirts out of brown paper and learned to hula dance; we feasted on fresh coconut, pineapple, and bacon wrapped bananas. I wanted to inspire others like she did me.
That dream died because I thought my family could not afford for me to go to university in another city and the subject I wanted to teach was not available locally. I do not think that I even asked my parents, just assumed that it was impossible.
The tream of teaching came back several times until it finally took root. I teach Reiki, along with spiritual concepts to students from ages twelve and up. I LOVE IT! It fuels me.
This is the life I wanted for myself as a child and I am fulfilled.
What did you dream?
What made you feel amazing as a child?
How can you bring even a little bit of that back into your life, even for a half hour, three times per week?
Thank you for spending precious minutes with me along this journey. I feel immensely peaceful now. I have found forgiveness of self and others. I have ditched the guilt and stopped shoulding on myself.
My hope is that you may find even the smallest spark of inspiration to make your world better, lighter, and freer.