The Mother Wound: Part Seven

This is part 7 of an ongoing series. If you are new to my stack, you can find the first post here:

Healers Don’t Heal

I see lots of clients in my practice at Sparks of Healing, but I do not heal anyone.

I listen to their stories, ask them questions, and help them find their truth. We investigate the stories to determine what is known versus assumed to be truth.

With the tools I provide, they can choose what story they wish to write, and what life they build.

I facilitate their healing on the massage table or in the hypnosis chair, but it is they who do the work, not me.

I cannot do the work. I cannot fix someone else as that would take away their Free Will. They come to me and allow me into the dark rooms where happiness is locked away. I take their hand, lead them to the door. I can place their hand on the latch but it is up to them to step into the light, to step through the pain, and free themselves to reclaim their peace.

There are times when we sit in the room of our problems, in the dark. We do not realize the door is unlocked, and there is a bright new day dawning on the other side. We need someone to take our arm, lead us to the exit, and place our hand on the latch. It is up to us to make the choice to cross the threshold.

January 16, 2023

On Sunday, my friend Nicole and I had a conversation about publishing Trauma Train. She said she wondered what would happen if my mom read it and realized it was about her? I was gray rocking my mom.

I thought deeply about what Nicole said and had an epiphany.

I do not believe my mom would ever notice.

Right now, she texts me about random unimportant things. I respond, answering only the questions she asks, nothing more. She is getting what she needs from me.

If we were in person, she would just blather on telling old stories or talking about things that interest her, whether or not they appeal to me. No talking from me means more time for her to speak.

It is a win-win for her.

It is a fact that she is my mom, and as her daughter, I will look after her essential needs and be cordial to her. I love her for who she is and have gratitude for her giving birth to me.

My mom is not my friend and as such, I will not make her privy to the details of my life. I have to understand that I will never receive her approval and validation in this life in an authentic way.

I have many good friends and people who love me for who I am. I can share my life with them.

She would not say she likes the woman I am; however, I do and I am proud of myself, my loving heart, and compassion. I enjoy the life I have created and I love the work I do to help my clients and students. I know I make a positive difference in their lives.

That is what most matters to me.

I believe I am a good mom to my boys and that I did my best to support my daughter Alexandra. When she got sick, I softened a lot and realized what is important in life.

I have not always been the person I am today, and I had to learn kindness and compassion the hard way at times. I did learn; I changed and grew.

I feel lighter having this realization; I believe I have finally let go of the need for her to be someone who she is not.

Maybe now I can just be at ease and be free to be who I am without concern for what others think. That would be absolutely freeing.

January 19, 2023

This past week, I gathered my bravery and ventured out into the world, by myself.

I attended the RWN meeting alone and met some nice people. I also encountered some cliquey behaviour, but I need to remember that those are not my people.

Then I went to a women in business event to meet more new people.

I am immensely proud of myself for getting out of my comfort zone and heading out into the world to meet more people.

My husband thinks I should do a blog with the poem and then talk about it. He says that the best way for me to reach more people is to get in front of the camera, so people can connect with me. I think I would like that.

I do worry about my mom seeing the poem, and getting hurt, but I also need to quit holding myself back for other’s sake. Like SARK said, if they did not want me to write them that way, they would have treated me better in the first place.

Every day, I feel stronger right now. I do not feel the need to be mean, catty, or exact revenge on Mom. I just want her not to tell me stories. I feel a little sorry for her that she allowed Dad to control her long after she left him and still now, after both he and her mom are long passed.

It is sad to me that she replays all those stories over and over in her mind.

I want to be in the world, helping people love themselves, accept and forgive themselves, then learn to extend that to others; to everyone.

When Denise had her interlife session on Wednesday, she had a message for me from Thoth:

We are watching you and acknowledge the love and work you do for others. You are connected to many and deeply loved. There is a network of beings like you. A network of LOVE that gets stronger and stronger. You will know more about this later.

What I know today:

We are the ones we have been waiting for. We are the ones to change the trajectory in our dysfunctional families by grabbing the wheel and charting a new course.

Spoiler: By the end of this series, I am free. Free of the old wounds, the need for my mom to be someone she simply cannot be and free to love and accept her exactly as she is.

I truly hope that by sharing the journey from Trauma Train to free as a bird, I am helping someone else, even if it is only one other soul, find their way to peace. Even if my story sparks the tiniest flame of hope in another heart, it is worth the risk of sharing so much this journey.

My mom is a good lady. She tried her best and regardless of the old stories on loop in her brain, she is trying to find her peace and her place in the world. Every day I pray for her to find peace.

Thank you for spending some of your precious moments with me… I appreciate you.