The Mother Wound: Part Seventeen

Straight from the journal… Summer 2023

June 18th, 2023

I have been thinking lots about parenting and forgiveness lately. I recognize more and more how difficult it was for my mom. She did not have many positive role models in her life, and was replete with people trying to take advantage of her. I wonder if that’s why her memory is leaving. Mom seems to be losing her short-term memory, instead recalling more of the old days.

Jaret said Mom reached out to him again last night about passwords. She cannot keep it straight any more. She reaches out to me for iPhone help, as it seems to be getting more difficult for her to type coherently. She insists she is only going to live to eighty-years-old. I hope her mind makes it all the way to the end, however long that may be.

What does my Soul want me to know right now?

Your truth is your view of the world through the focus of your personal lens and experiences. The view depends on whether you were looking at the world from a micro or macro state. As you get older you can see more sides of each story which enables you to loosen your grip on your point of view, your judgement, and the things that you perceived were done to you.

By accepting and loving all of ourselves as we truly are, we can extend more of this love and have deep compassion with others… Izzy Ivy

June 21st, 2023

Reflections from the day:

The appointment with David Fernandez for Body Talk was quite a revelation. He told me that I was a wide beam soul. Things were supposed to be easy for me. He said there were restrictions in my deep heart, the part I do not share with anyone. My mind was running free with anger, guilt, and creating restrictions. I am retired and this is supposed to be the best time of my life, instead my mind is slowly killing me.

He asked that I connect with my Deep Heart every morning and show gratitude for the abundance that I have. I will do this for three to five minutes every morning.

I cried lots and my mind rejected some of what he said at first.

On the way home, I craved a burger immensely. I looked around for a food truck, taking the long way home. I observed an overly aggressive lady driving a white Pontiac and I thought about how I used to be her. When I stopped at the lights near home, I heard music coming out of another vehicle. It was Sweet Child of Mine, a song that always reminds me of my dear daughter. I smiled and observed the license plate of the truck beside me.

WAKE UP

Another smile as I continue to drive home, I come upon another personalized plate.

1 BREATH

Okay, I said out loud. I am listening to your guidance, Creator, and I thank you.

David pointed out things that I know in my heart. I self-sabotage because I feel undeserving. I must believe I deserve the life I have. I must believe that I deserve to travel and see the world. I must believe I am abundant in money and freedom to do as I please.

I feel much more grounded. My back and legs released. I am excited a curious to see where this leads me. David said that I need to integrate and allow all the shifts in perception for at least three weeks, before I return. I will do the focus and connection work as he suggested.

I told him about all the tools I had at my disposal. He replied it is hardest for those of us who do this work to reach out for help. We need it most, but we do not always recognize that fact.

I am happy that I went. He is incredibly talented and I believe he can help me with the rest of my shadow work, or at least the next phase.

I do have so many things that I am grateful for in life. Truly I do.

And there is more… Jaret told me that he is aware of my anger but not surprised that I am not self-aware. He pointed out that I have had a lifetime of blocking or pushing down my feelings, at the very lest, refusing to acknowledge them. He gave examples of the relationship with my youngest son. I will make an effort to speak my mind and stand strong for the boundaries I have set.

It will be interesting to see how my health improves from allowing myself the freedom to feel and express everything I experience.

June 22nd, 2023

This morning, I woke up with my left leg and back feeling calm. My right quad and knee are a little off. I slept until after seven, started my day with a meditation on my phone and dozed off again into a very deep state. I felt like I was receiving a treatment, it was a trance state, perhaps the sleep state where the heavy curtains are drawn to get the conscious mind out of the way. Whatever it was, I allowed myself to rest, flowing in and out of this state until after ten.

I am letting go of all the pent-up anger that I chose not to express, that I did not feel was acceptable, or that I felt would just add kindling to an already volatile situation. I remember as a child looking forward to the time I could leave and not be under my father’s thumb; in an environment where the triggers for Dad’s vitriol, sarcasm, and biting words were eggshells on the floor. Watch where you step, he might explode.

Later, I married a man who was also not in control of his anger, who spat horrible things to our sons, and said mean, hurtful and damaging things to me. I pushed my anger down. PMS would push it back up until it spilled from my mouth. Then he would blame hormones, which is not entirely wrong, but missing a big piece of the puzzle.

I want to recall the things David spoke of so that I can correct my behaviour, or maybe it is like hypnosis where I need to let it go.

David also said that my clients would be able to sense the anger buried in me, contributing to the abundance block. That upsets me, as my want is to only give them love, and help them learn to love themselves. That is my wish; for myself and everyone else.

Jaret is the perfect partner for me; I cannot hide from him. He already sensed my anger with my son, and also with him. I do not recall telling him that I feel anger at his inability to let go of the work issues outside of work hours, but that I was frustrated, annoyed, and worried that I would be too old and frail to travel or have fun by the time he was free of that world. Perhaps I said it and then forced it from my mind or perhaps he felt it poorly hidden in the less explosive words I chose.

Tell me what my knee wants me to know right now?

You need to choose your path with your heart first. Stop carrying the load of the past, it is heavy and hard on the body. Choose your steps forward out of love, and journey to joyous destinations. Stop worrying about the entire journey. Take the first step. When you leave the trip partially undecided, you make space for wonder and discovery along the way.

What does my Soul want me to know right now?

David was right. He stated that your Highest Self knows the reasons for all the choices you have made, even those you consider mistakes.

June 23rd, 2023

The birds are flying around and twittering at a distance. No songs overhead at the moment. I love birds; I would prefer they do not pick the lettuce from my garden, but I still love them.

I do feel different today, as if the river of negativity has run dry. There was a moment in the hypnosis, or was it in a dream, or both? A version of me was swept away. The other me was dressed in dark clothing, maybe a hat and veil.

I think the angry version of me was built a long time ago. She was shushed and suppressed, told she was wrong, and as a child her voice was not to be heard. I got louder, and sought out ways to be heard, emulating the brash, funny people; those who made others laugh with their jokes. I learned to imitate their words and behaviour.

I feel calmer inside. I hope this lasts.

It is funny how memories surface, and not always flattering ones. I know I have said some terribly thoughtless things to my friends.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

I believe that some of that anger inside me is directed towards myself. I have done and mostly said thoughtless things in my youth, especially when fueled by alcohol, but not always. I would like to take those words back. The best I can do is apologize for my actions if the opportunity arises; to do the cleaning and clearing in the meantime.

The view from today is incredibly clear, calm, and neutral. I have healed. I accept others as they are, and accept myself as perfectly imperfect.

Thank you for joining me on this journey to self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, self-compassion, and self-love. I appreciate you spending some of your precious moments with me.

I hope sharing my journey with you here helps in some small way for you to find the path to peace also.