For the next few weeks, the Thursday stacks will focus on Communication, geared towards intimate relationships, but useful in all areas of life. I hope you find the information useful and that it might help your communication improve.
And so, it begins…
We have an amazing relationship. I’m not just saying that, so you buy a book or enroll in a class. I am saying it because it is the truth. I have said on many occasions that I didn’t believe this type of relationship existed outside of the imaginations of Hollywood’s best scripts or the noggins of romance writers. I’m happy to say I was wrong.
It’s been nearly twelve years of living in a peaceful, supportive relationship with the man of my dreams.
· Life without power struggles
· Love without jealousy
· Laughter
· Living together in harmony
Tell me more Patricia…
We each had starter marriages and maybe that is part of the learning, however we don’t think it’s a necessary ingredient in your recipe for success.
We started out as friends, while I was in the midst of trying to save my marriage. He was a coworker becoming a friend. He would assign me weekend homework saying, “My marriage failed and I don’t want the same thing to happen to yours.” He would give me the man’s point of view and open my eyes to understand that my expectations were missing a key element of communication. You have to tell him what you want Patty. Tell him what you need to hear, what you need him to do. Tell him what hurts and what heals. Men don’t know, they can’t guess. They can’t read your mind and sometimes, they don’t even read body language.
Off I would go home to follow his instructions, to try to communicate my needs and to be more aware of what might be missing when I expressed my needs to my then husband. I think we were already past the point of redemption; years of resentment, miscommunication and dreams that diverged somewhere along the way. I had already stamped my marriage with an expiry date earlier that year. This was my last-ditch effort to save it before it was too late. It was not to be.
The raw honesty that Jaret and I shared discussing our marriages fed our friendship, drawing us closer to one another. We communicated electronically sharing stories, feelings, and support for our experiences; words on a screen made it easier to be completely open and raw. It allowed for time to consider responses, weighing words before committing with the Enter Key.
Without ties to one another, we were free to exchange thoughts and feelings without repercussions. We were friends, no more and no less.
I had given my marriage six months. It had an expiry date and the only thing that could save it was evidence of substantial change from my spouse. It didn’t happen. It rarely does. The marriage counsellor assured me, no one ever changes for someone else, ever. If you cannot live with him and love him for who he is today, then you should just go. It’s fairer to him if you do. So, I did.
The relationship begins…
To be honest, we didn’t think it was going to go anywhere. It was supposed to be a fling with two lonely people finding some solace together. There is something that happens though, when you bare your souls to one another, communicating about communication. We couldn’t help but learn the lessons we were sharing.
I was ready to jump right in with both feet. He was slower, insisting that I learn to spend time by myself. You have to learn to be with you before you can be with someone else again, Patty. You have to learn who you are, what you want and to be silent with yourself to hear your own desires. He didn’t need me to change or to be anything in particular to him beyond being myself, which required time to find out who that was. I don’t want you to define yourself by our relationship, you need to self-define this time; find out who you are and be you first, he told me.
Where are we today?
We have been together for nearly twelve years as I write this in the spring of 2023. We don’t argue. There are no power struggles. We are separate people united by our love and mutual respect. So how did we get here you probably want to know.
Key elements of a balanced relationship:
· We have not lost ourselves to our union as a couple.
· No one keeps score. There are no unspoken resentments or mysterious expectations.
· There are no strings attached. We give freely to one another with open hearts not to get something from the other.
· We make room for our togetherness and our separateness.
· Neither person gave up their identity for the other
· We have finances together and separate; a shared account that we each contribute to the household expenses with the remainder of each of our income in separate accounts to do with as we please.
· Triggers are identified and respected. We use a key word to let one another know when feelings are hurt or when we are approaching quicksand.
· Support each other’s hobbies, dreams, and desires without requiring the other to participate in things that are not of interest.