Sparking up a Relationship part 5

How much togetherness is too much?

We have separate interests, hobbies and friends. We have common interests, hobbies and friends. We respect that these lists are not the same and the level of interest may vary on any given topic. There are no ultimatums. No need to choose the couple over friends, family, hobbies or anything at all. It is possible to find space for our individual interests as well as mutual ones.

It was not always that way for me

Somewhere along the way during my first marriage, I stopped being an individual. It was easier to give up my friends, hobbies, healthy habits in favour of just going with the flow. I lost myself to the point where I did not even know what I liked to do anymore, I was so used to compromising my wishes to keep the peace, until I no longer knew what I liked to do, even if I chose to take time to myself. Sacrificing my needs and wants in favour of someone else’s desires was something I thought I was expected to do; it seemed like it must just go with the territory of being married, at least that is what I thought.

Hollywood is partly to blame, showing us the happy couples who did absolutely everything together, and the generation before mine was one where the wife did all the home related things while the husband had manly things to do.

This is neither normal, natural, nor healthy, regardless of which spouse is giving up their identity as part of the intermingling into couple hood, denial of oneself cannot be sustained for the long term.

Separate and together…Freedom to be “me” as part of “we”

I thought I was ready for Jaret to move in with me after a very short period of time. We were already spending most nights in one condo or the other together, it seemed only logical that we ditch the doubled expenses in favour of one place; mine was the bigger of the two so why wouldn’t he just move in with me?

Jaret wisely refused. He had been living alone for five years or so after his marriage broke up and he knew who he was. He said it was important for me to live on my own and figure out who I was. How did I want to decorate my place, what is my own sleep pattern, all the things… figure out who I was so I did not fall into the trap of molding myself into being his girlfriend before I knew who I was on my own.

Although it certainly did not feel good at the time, him refusing to move in, it was the best thing that happened for my self-esteem. I learned that I could do most things for myself, including changing out the shower head and a light fixture. I spent time reading, listening to music I liked, watching shows that only interested me, and time doing absolutely nothing at all… simply being in my own space and my own company.

We came from different situations; since he had been a bachelor for so many years, he was not accustomed to considering anyone else in his life’s equation. I was the first person he dated after his marriage imploded, so when I say he was alone, I mean he was alone.

Me, on the other hand, I lived with my three teenage sons, husband and two dogs. I was NEVER alone and definitely not used to having so much time by myself. The two older boys decided to stay with their dad, and my youngest son was fifteen so he wasn’t staying at home to hang out with mom.

This caused an imbalance between us in how much time we spent together. We would not plan together and I would basically be waiting to find out if we were doing something so refuse to make plans with friends. Looking back on this it seems pathetic, but coming out of a relationship where I did not feel wanted, there were some insecurities to work through.

There came a point where I was brave enough to talk about how I was feeling. He had no idea that I was sitting around waiting for him and that was certainly not what he wanted for me. We came up with a plan for time together and time apart. That way, I knew when to expect that we would be doing things and I would make plans with my friends for the other times. I am very socially active whereas he is a gamer, so his activities are home based.

Nearly twelve years into this relationship with four years of marriage, we maintain these boundaries. We don’t have designated dates nights anymore perse but we do plan things together and things apart. If one of us, usually me, feels like there is not enough time together, we call it out and make a plan to rectify the situation.

I love that there is no score keeping; he does not care how much time I am out with the gals or that there are activities that do not include him. I do not begrudge his gamer friends and the time he spends online. Our time together is devoted to one another and our time apart is mutually agreed upon.

This was refreshing for me compared to the past where my time with friends would be measured and critiqued for being excessive. Why didn’t I just want to stay home and watch tv with my ex?

How did we get to this point?

I have to be honest; this journey was not without its potholes and detours. I went through lots of storytelling, believing that he didn’t want to spend time with me, that I was too much… too needy, too talkative, believing he didn’t like my friends, or that the fact that I was not a gamer was an issue.

At the beginning, I was so afraid to speak my mind and ask for what I wanted, I would request that we go lie on the bed in the pitch darkness to talk so that I did not have to see his face and that he could not see my tears. It worked and it is no longer necessary.

We learned our Love Languages and we learned to ask for what we needed from one another; if he forgot my love language was full attention, I would ask him to put the screens away and be completely with me. He would ask for a hug if I was in one of my super busy times, forgetting that his love language is showing affection.

We learned to speak up for ourselves and then, we learned that we wanted to meet one another’s needs, which was a beautiful realization.

We are not perfect; we have our moments where we go to our own spaces for a time out but I can tell you that we do not have petty arguments nor do we intentionally push each other’s buttons. We choose peace.

In the rare moments where we cannot find agreement, we agree to disagree after taking the time to hear one another’s points of view.

I have learned that his wanting time alone has nothing to do with being apart from me, it is simply something he needs to reset his own balance. He has learned that it is safe for him to want to play video games, I do not judge his hobbies.

We live in peace because we learned to communicate in an open and honest way. We are able to be open and honest because we learned we can trust one another with our feelings.

This is a life skill worth learning.