These thoughts were inspired by a conversation with a good friend who was worried that the fact that her fiancé was not saving for their wedding meant he did not want to marry her. We had many in-depth conversations which led to the realization that she had not actually spoken to him about her concerns. The truth of the matter was that he did indeed want to get married but he did not want to spend the money on a wedding until some more pressing matters were taken care of. Now, I do not wish to share the details of a friend’s issue here so I will take this up to a higher level.
There is a difference between being married and getting married aka, the wedding itself. Some people, many people, focus on the wedding and not the ongoing union.
Being married is committing to loving, honoring, and cherishing one another. It means you are committing to share your home, life, body, and soul with another person.
Weddings are, or at least should be, the external expression of this beautiful commitment.
Before committing to marriage, it is wise to spend time together, to be sure of the compatibility; thankfully, more people view living together before marriage as completely acceptable nowadays.
Here are some of the top things people argue about, making them potentially incompatible:
· Money
· Friends
· Time/attention paid.
· Sex
· Children
Money
Full disclosure here: I have been married twice: My current husband and I refer to our first marriages as our starter marriages, this being the main course. 😉
Talking about finances before committing to a lifetime together is important. What if I was a huge spender, devil-may-care kind of gal who puts life on her credit cards to enable all the experiences now and my man is a miser who never spends a penny, sitting on all his hoards like Gollum guarding his Precious? That is going to be a problem.
I had a top ten list of why I got a divorce the first time and finances were definitely on there!
It is imperative to discuss finances and make some decisions before you hang your clothes in the same closet. In our case, we created a very unromantic spreadsheet listing all the joint expenses of our household, then we opened a joint account where we each deposited half of that amount, keeping the remainder of our earnings in separate accounts. We also have a savings account where an agreed upon amount of money goes to save for bigger expenditures and things like joint vacations. This works for us because anything beyond our day-to-day joint purchases is our own to spend so I can buy as many crystals as I like and he can have all the video games and Transformers he wants. No harm no foul, we are both content and the bills are paid.
Your arrangement may not be exactly like ours is for a plethora of reasons, but just have an arrangement. Have the conversation beforehand so you don’t have the fight later; there are way too many couples out there fighting about money!
Friends
Next on this list is the topic of friends; you each likely have lifelong friends with interests that vary. Not all of your friends are going to be interested in your partner’s hobbies and vice versa. This is okay! You do not have to blend friends like you combine kitchen accessories. It is absolutely possible to have separate interests with different people while your partner goes off and does their own thing. In my case, football games were girl time while he stayed home and gamed with his buddies online. I know, I’m odd, but so are my gal pals! We enjoyed being loud and proud at the game and that was not my man’s jam. This is okay. In fact… it is more than okay because spending time apart doing interesting things means you have a variety of topics to discuss later.
The television shows that show the couples doing absolutely everything together are either pure unadulterated BS or those folks are extremely unique and likely not my cup of tea… they are likely the one with shared email addresses and social media accounts. Blech, not for me.
Again, communication is key for this together and apart stuff to work. Talk to one another, make an agreement about the times you are to spend together, have date nights and also have friends’ nights where you know your partner is going to be gaming all night, so you make plans too. Also, never fall into the trap where you only make plans when the other is busy. If there is a play you are aching to see and they have zero interest, then go with someone who is. Trust me, we do not fight and we have plenty of time together and apart. It is healthy!
Time and attention paid
There is a natural segue here into attention. If one or the other of you is feeling lonely or lacking the attention needed from your partner, you need to talk about it. Talk about it TO your partner, not to your friends, not to forums online, not by writing an AITA article on Reddit. You need to talk. See above, find out how much time you each believe is the correct amount of time to have both of your needs met and make some agreements. This becomes even more difficult if you are raising a family together, which makes it even more important.
A segue on the segue for new parents: You started out as a couple, then you grow into a family; believe it or not, one day that sweet baby is going to grow up and leave your basement, at which time you will be a couple again. Please do not lose the couple hood in the middle. Take turns planning date nights, that means the planner arranges everything: babysitting, tickets, reservations, the whole gamut – then tells their partner what dress code is necessary and when to be ready. It’s fun! Trust me… Brand new moms may need their partner to take the lead on the planning for a few months in a row at the beginning and trust me, it will be worth it for the planner, I promise you!
Okay, getting my attention back on track here… it is also important to understand your partner’s love language. Go find out what yours is with this free quiz have your partner do the same, buy the book and learn about each other. It’s often not the amount of time but the actions and whether you are speaking your partner’s love language. Trust me… this investment is worth all the gold and costs way less.
Sex
Bird do it, bees do it, even educated fleas do it… humans need to talk about it. Seriously and I do not give a fiddler’s flip how old you are, you need to talk to your partner about sex. What do you like? What do they like? What do you both dislike? What do you need to be warmed up to the idea because newsflash! Men are not always good to go so it is not just the ladies who need to be romanced.
Talk about it. Even if you cannot look at one another you ask your partner to join you in a dark room and share your feelings where you do not have to look at them. Text one another – maybe not on a corporate phone… ha-ha! Write an old-fashioned letter, send them an article on something you would like to explore.
Talk about it! You are not going to get a satisfying outcome if your partner does not know your needs. It gets easier the more you do it, and doing it gets better when you share your feelings.
Children
Love them? Hate the little rascals? This information is also better to discuss before putting a ring on it. Maybe don’t bring this topic up on the first date, but definitely talk about it before you commit to one another. It would be a very tough conversation if you are married and find out one of you envisions The Brady Bunch while the other one sees van life with no fixed address.
This is also something where you have to be really sure before you move forward. Trust me, they don’t go back in. In my starter marriage, we had four children. One day, the father of my children said, I cannot manage four kids. I said, but you were the one who wanted five! Yah, but now that they are here, I cannot do it. It’s a little too late to change your mind now buddy!
Have the conversation and you know what, if one of you wants two and the other wants five, do not have four, especially if you are the one with the uterus. Have a discussion first and then come up with a compromise that works for all parties. PS I do not regret my four kids but they were a lot to manage, that’s for certain.
Well, that’s all I have to say about this today. I’d love to hear from you: Was this of any use? Was it new? Did it provoke new thoughts? Are you going to have a conversation now?
Stay tuned for more…
Big Love to you all!
~~Patricia