Triggers, time, and tools
Let’s start by defining what we mean by triggers. There are key words or phrases which can evoke strong negative responses far greater than what is appropriate for the situation. The blast of emotion bursts forth in an unexpected and inappropriate way that has the opportunity to create disaster out of nothing.
Every time we experience a highly emotional event, be it positive or negative, there is an exchange of energy. In the case of repetitive negative events, the trigger can create an automatic response in the neural pathways of the brain; it is like a rut in the brain. Imagine a soft country road where many cars have driven over and over again in the same spot, as soon as you turn down that lane, the tires automatically fall in that path and follow along without much effort on the part of the driver. It takes a concentrated effort to pull the tires out of the rut and create a new intentional path.
Even if the conversation is with a different person whose spirit of intent is not intentionally provocative, we may still fall into those brain ruts.
My husband and I use the word “trigger” to let the other person know there is a landmine buried there. We stop and discuss why the situation created the massive unconscious reaction. We talk about intention, feelings and how to avoid this in the future. Sometimes it was breaking a habit of using a particular phrase and sometimes it was consciously choosing a new reaction with the light of the new relationship.
Self-awareness is key; stop and consider the following:
Does this emotion belong to the present situation or is this a trigger from another experience?
What is the spirit of intent of the person standing there? If unknown, have the courage to ask.
Is this something I can change myself or do I need to request the other person to stop using the phrase?
What is the source of the pain, and can it be healed today, in this new life?
It takes time and patience to create a space where two people can be this open and honest with one another. It can be done and I assure you, the results are worth it.
Make an agreement with your partner that it is okay to call a time out in a conversation when a trigger is activated. Stop the conversation for a moment to determine where those feelings are coming from.
I just need a moment… When you said this, I felt that and I want to understand where that feeling came from.
We have to understand the way we listen to be able to hear more clearly. Our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions get in the way of truly hearing what the other person is saying. When you understand what button was pushed, it is perfectly okay to ask your partner to stay away from that phrase or habit, as long as you are willing to listen and change when the trigger is theirs.
This does not only happen in romantic relationships. For instance, we could meet someone new at work. The sound of their voice could remind us of someone in our past; memories of them might set off all sorts of warnings in our brain. The path to old roads, old journeys, and experiences gets lit up and we assume we are travelling it in the present time. Our pathways get jammed with old stuff making it impossible to take in the new information. There is no room!
It is important to take the time to reflect before we react in these situations; time to ensure the level of response matches the current interaction.
When triggers from old trauma are discovered, it is important to work through them either with tools you already have or a qualified professional life coach or hypnotherapist who can help you to release and do the appropriate forgiveness work to forgive yourself and in time, the person from the past. We will talk more about forgiveness in a future post.