Mother Wound: Part Five

Straight from the journal...

DECEMBER 15, 2022 – MOM’S BIRTHDAY

I did not realize how much stress I experienced in dealing with my mother until recently. Today is her seventy-fifth birthday and I was up multiple times through the night, composing a text in my head, followed by feeling guilty that I do not want to spend time with her or even call.  I am tired of experiencing her life trauma over and over. I have dreams where I experience the stories that she tells me, as if I am there.

She claims she thinks she is a bad mother. I do not think she is or was a bad mother; I think she did the best she knew how to do. I know she loves babies and I am sure she did love me as a baby. I do not think she liked me once I began to talk, had strong will, and opinions that did not mirror hers.

I think I was impatient with the passive approach she took with dad and what I saw as her inability to protect us from him and his cruelty. I believed silence was acceptance.

She participated in the abuse even if she did not mean to, accusing me of going to the bathroom to avoid doing the dishes, for instance. My body processed things quickly; I taught myself to hold back my bodily functions so as not to earn her ire, creating long lasting elimination issues.

The last straw for me was her willful disregard of my request to stop sharing the stories. That is why I do not wish to call her today, even though it is her birthday. I feel like that makes me a bad daughter. I wish I could just call her and have her issues not impact me. I wish loving her did not mean I have to be emotionally scarred by her need to tell me.

My husband described her as being insensitive to my feelings. That is true. I suspect that she had to stop feeling in order to survive her life. I also think that my ability to examine and investigate my feelings and other people’s behaviour is what makes me a great healer, counsellor, and friend.

While I was writing this, she messaged me back. I sent her a happy birthday and a wish for her to find happiness and peace. She responded that she already has peace along with a count your blessings kind of text. I am going to take that at face value and let it go. That is my goal.

Let that shit go.

If she does not wish to talk to me about the content of my email and offer more than justification for her actions, without apologizing for her effect on me, even if it was unintended, so be it.

I love myself. I am all those things I wrote in the assignment about counting my personal blessings. I am consistently honest, while maintaining kindness, with my words. I try to be there for my sons, without being overly demanding of them. I show my care through actions and words. I try to be there for as many people as I am able to without depleting myself.

I am grateful to my husband. I am thankful for his support while I go through this. He offered an analogy today; my relationship with mom is part of my foundation. If I view my life as a building, I have renovated, redecorated, and it all appears to be good, but she is a crack in the foundation. It will be more work to repair that but it will be worthwhile.

Fear is meant to keep us alive, not to keep us from living.

DECEMBER 23, 2022

It has been an interesting couple of days. Jaret and I attended a solstice ceremony together at Tribal Vibes Wild Fire Healing Centre on Wednesday. I was teasing him that I had been there many times without buying a crystal; he should be proud of me.

During the sound healing, I asked for connection to God, Mother Mary, and Jesus, as well as Mary Magdalene.  I asked for Christ Consciousness to fill me. It was beautiful; the digeridoo, bowls, chimes… everything was lovely.

When it was over, I found my friend Denise over by the crystals. There was a white and dark grey one in the centre; it looked like a whale fluke, and it was illuminated, dancing as if spotlit; drawing my attention. I turned it over to find it was an orca agate.

Amazing.  I looked up its meaning this morning; it is known as the Forgiveness Stone as it helps us to forgive and love ourselves.

I continue to be amazed at all the helpers Mother Earth sends to assist me with the internal work. I hope the stones I give my clients and students help them too.

I held the stone this morning and asked, why it was named after the orca, who is the least beloved of dolphins? It told me the following story:

The orca is not a killer out of mean intention. It is a keeper of balance in the ocean. The work it does is necessary, even though the opinion of onlookers might judge it to be cruel.

This is like the work I am doing to create correct boundaries with my mother. It might look unkind to others who do not see all sides, and that is fine. The work it does is necessary.

Jaret pointed out that I am the only one who is judging my actions harshly. I continue to work on self-forgiveness, understanding, and enforcing boundaries.

All of this work I do makes me a person I am proud of. I am cleaning out the ick to make room for more love; in turn, the work I do for myself helps me to help others who come to my treatment room. I am able to help from a place of compassion, understanding, and honesty, having walked in their shoes. The circle of life, sort of.

This work is difficult but I am grateful to be doing it. I am proud of the choices I am making to break the cycle.

I used to observe my mom’s relationship with my gramma and know it was not right. Once Mom began to tell me stories, I viewed their interactions differently. As I got older, I set boundaries for how I would be treated by my grandma and I was treated differently than she treated the other women in my family.

As Mom shared more of her stories, I was impressed by her heart and her ability to still care for her mom, after all the things that Gramma did. Now, having my mom try to make similar demands of my time and attention, I see it in a different light.  I will not be a victim of my mom’s stories and her unwillingness to understand and respect my boundaries.

I choose to blaze my own trail; I will not work the rails to be run over repeatedly by the trauma train as my family did before me. There is another way to be, and I am choosing it.

I am grateful for Jaret, my friends, and for the ability to find information to help me learn to find my own way.

This work is hard and necessary; no one can do it for me. I must love myself enough to do it for me. Not alone but by myself. It is healing from the inside out, and then teaching the world how to treat me.

I truly am getting better every day, in every way, as corny as that may sound.

What does my soul want me to know today?

We see you struggling with guilt over publishing these stories. Your willingness to be open and honest about your life’s experiences is part of the reason you write. There are many in the world who have similar struggles. There are many families who have passed down traditions that need not persist. Talking about the past pain, understanding where it came from, is the first step in healing it.

You are doing this work for your family. You are seeking to understand while not losing yourself in the sorrows of the past. It is possible to forgive, even while not forgetting. It is possible to quell the tide of tears that threaten to overtake you and others.

We are proud of you. We know it is not your intention to malign your mother. We know that you are doing the work so that perhaps she can heal, if not here on Earth, then later; that she can look back upon her life and know that she did not pass on the ugliness as a burden for you to carry. You had the strength to set the burden down, to examine the contents, and choose to forgive.

We want you to also forgive yourself. The stories she tells you about when you were younger and the pain, shame, and guilt that come forward are a signal of self-forgiveness that you have not yet completed. Only you need to forgive you, only you are going back to those memories with shame; we see them as lessons, experiences, things that you needed to experience to gain the wisdom to make better choices on this life path.

You have learned your lessons well. It is not necessary for you to have guilt and shame from the actions and words of younger you. Hold her, send her love, and know that her trials contributed to the wonderful you that exists today.

We see you. We love you. We are most proud of the work you are doing. Your sharing is a blessing for those who read, and an opportunity for them to feel less alone in their experiences.

Thank you for reading. Whether you are a paid or free subscriber, I appreciate your time and attention. If you think my story can help another, please feel free to share it.

Sending Love and Light,