I fall in love with potential
Reflections from my younger self...
Once, I had a beautiful soul for Reiki Level 1, Melissa. She and I have walked paths that were parallel for many miles, at different times and with unique but similar challenges.
WE had a conversation about being a rescuer and people pleaser. Something she said really struck a chord with me.
“I fall in love with potential.”
I connected to her statement deeply. I did not fall in love with who the father of my children was in every moment of our time together. I fell in love with who he was in his best moments and who I believed he could be or be more of. This was my belief and maybe so far as an expectation that he would be other than who he presented himself to be on a daily basis.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
The man who was hours late to our dates, who did not keep commitments or make coming to support me at my baseball game a priority over washing his car; that was who he was and no amount of wishful thinking, tears, nagging, or threats were going to change that. If I wanted the kind of person who would put me first. I needed to keep looking, but I did not.
I thought if I loved him enough, if I was pretty enough, sexy enough, thin enough, then he would change for me. I would be worthy of being a priority. These were all stories I was telling myself; it was not even that he was a bad guy, or consciously not choosing me/ he was a guy with ADD who would get focused on cleaning the car and lose track of three hours. It was not necessarily about not wanting to watch me pitch a softball game, it was about not being aware of time passing.
Either way you spin it, if I wanted a partner who would show up on time, I needed to choose differently. Instead, I adjusted my expectations. I began to carry a novel in my purse to while away the hours I spent waiting for him. This was long before the age of smart phones. I lowered my standards, made excuses and exceptions, and decided it was fine. It did not matter, I was fine.
Until I was not.
Twenty-seven years later, at age forty-five, four kids and twenty-two years of marriage later, I decided to put myself first. I decided I was worth showing up for, keeping promises to, and loving the way I wanted to be loved.
How many times, I wonder, do people “fall in love with potential”? How many people are waiting for someone to stop drinking or drugs, to come out of their slump to get a job, and support themselves, to stop abusing them physically, mentally, emotionally, and become the they know they can be?
Our dream for that other person may not match the dream they hold for themselves. They may be quite happy spending three hours washing their car multiple times a week. Are we to determine they should spend their time differently?
What we should spend our time on is deciding what is important to us in a relationship and if it does not exist today, then come to terms with the possibility that you and your current partner are not a match.
Thank you, next, as Arianna Grande says.
There is no clock ticking down your time to find the right partner. It is not true that only this ill-suited person will love you. The right individual for you to give your heart to will appear and, in the meantime, perhaps you could spend that time turning your love, acceptance, and forgiveness towards you.
When we love ourselves truly, when we accept ourselves with all our perfect imperfections, we become more qualified to choose the right person to spend time with.
When we love ourselves and accept ourselves as is, warts and all, we are not looking for someone to shore us up, to fill in the gaps, to complete us. That is a myth perpetuated by Hollywood and Harlequin Romance.
It is not good practice to fall in love with potential for another person to morph into someone they are not.
Become the person you want, who loves you unconditionally, only then will you have clear sight of who is worthy of your love.
