As I step into this quiet period of life where time does not control my moments, the things I need to see and heal rise up to be healed from the murky depths of my body, mind, and spirit. It is very much like peeling the proverbial onion; There are more layers than I realized and each one brings forward what it must. As I remove each layer, the next is more tightly encased in the heart, but they are also smaller and easier to dissect it seems.
I no longer chase away my shadow self by flooding it with false light. I welcome my darkness into the circle, hearing its tales and feeling its pain… my pain. While examining the memories this time I do not seek blame or shame, but understanding instead. I embrace all the players with my heart to being the work of forgiveness. To forgive others of their actions, words, and attitudes is to seek to understand them; Even if I cannot see the reasons for their part in the shadow experience, forgiveness is a gift to myself. As they say, holding a grudge against someone is like renting out space in your brain to a terrible tenant who never pays and wreaks havoc on your peace of mind… evict them!
When we are truly honest with ourselves, in all our facets, we are vulnerable. That honesty is an important step in discovering our shadows and bringing them into the light for healing. Izzy Ivy
The most difficult aspect of forgiveness is of myself; forgiving myself for any part I played, consciously or unconsciously in the drama that unfolded. To forgive myself for choosing the experience and then for carrying the unhealthy emotions locked tightly into the vault along with the lessons and experience itself. It was not necessary for me to continue to carry blame, shame, or guilt along with the memory of the lesson. That is not the point of having experiences here on Earth.
I am no more or less perfect, or imperfect for that matter, than any other soul here. We all have the same choices and free will to choose our reactions in life.
I have always taught my children that everyone makes mistakes and it is what we do next that counts. That goes for experiences too. Everyone has hard times, bad luck, and heart-breaking challenges; It is what they do next that counts. Not only does it count, it serves to shape our entire future.
I have met people who choose to exist not in the present moment but in the memory of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. It breaks my heart to watch them squander their NOW in favour of the past or the unknown future. If they are friends, I sometimes allow myself to get sucked into that void with them. That is a different forgetting of time. To become lost in yesterday’s choices and fearful of what tomorrow may bring is to become frozen in no time.
I have chosen to walk away from these people as I could not help them stand on their own and propping them up was draining my life force. I had to go through my own self-doubt, guilt, and shame in leaving them. Eventually, I got to the other side of the rescuer shadow, emerging into the light, realizing that they, too, are exercising their free will to choose their experience. Who am I to tell them they are wrong? When these people tell me they cannot choose differently, I need to respect that and walk away. That was one of the biggest shadows I have had to face along the way, recognizing that my inner martyr is strong. She likes to give away my time and energy. She likes to obsess about other peoples’ lives, believing somehow, she could be a force for change on their behalf if only she loves them enough. She encourages me to lie down and allow my soul to be sucked away by the incessant need for attention, validation, and for my light to be dimmed by their shadow.
My shadow side is necessary for it shows me that the light exists in another choice, heading another direction; To forgive is to bask in light and love.
This stage in life allows me the time to see all the shades of my walk through this life, to assess myself, accept my flaws, and choose love in all experiences.
I am grateful.