Don't fall in love with potential

Loving yourself enough to walk away

Today a beautiful soul, who I will call MW, came to me for Reiki 1^st Degree training. I quickly learned that she and I have walked paths that were parallel for many miles, at different times and with unique, while similar challenges.

We had a conversation about being empathetic rescuers and people pleasers; something she said really struck a chord with me:

“I fall in love with potential.”

Wow! That connected to me deeply. I did not fall in love with the person who the father of my children was in every moment of our time together; I fell in love with who he was in what I deemed to be his best moments. This was the person that I believed he could be more of. This was my assumption, well, expectation really, that he would be other than who he presented himself to be.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

The man who showed up hours late for our dates, did not keep commitments, such as not showing up to my baseball game as promised, instead choosing to spend three hours washing his car. That was who he was. No amount of wishful thinking, tears, bargaining, or threats was going to change him. If I wanted the kind of person who would put me first, I needed to keep looking… but I did not.

I thought if I loved him enough, if I was pretty enough, sexy enough, thin enough, then he would change for me. I would be worthy of being a priority. These were all stories that I was telling myself. It was not even that he was necessarily a bad guy, or even consciously not choosing me; he was a guy who had ADD, who would get focused on cleaning the car and lose track of time. It was not necessarily that he was avoiding watching me pitch the softball game, he was simply not aware of how much time had passed.

Whichever way I spun this tale, if I wanted a partner who showed up on time, I needed to choose differently. Instead, I adjusted my expectations. I began to carry a novel in my purse to while away the hours waiting for him. This was long before the age of browsing on smart phones. I lowered my standards, made excuses, exceptions, and decided it was fine. It did not matter. I was fine.

Until I was not.

Twenty-seven years later, forty-five years old, after four kids and twenty-two years of marriage, I decided to put myself first. I decided I was worth showing up for, keeping promises to, and being loved the way I believe I deserved.

How many times, I wonder, do people “fall in love with potential”? How many people are waiting for someone to stop drinking, or doing drugs; someone to come out of their slump and get a job to support themselves, to stop abusing them physically, mentally, emotionally and become the person they know they can be?

Our dream for that other person may not match the dream they hold for themselves. They may be quite happy spending three hours washing their car, multiple times per week. Who are we to determine the things they spend their time on?

What we should spend OUR time doing is deciding what is important to us in a relationship and if that criteria does not match our current pairing, then we need to come to terms with the possibility that we are not a match.

Thank you. Next. As Arianna Grande says.

There is no clock ticking on your time to find the right partner. It is not true that only this ill-suited suitor will love you. The right person for you to give your heart to will appear, in the meantime, perhaps you could spend that time giving love, acceptance, and forgiveness to yourself.

When we love ourselves truly, when we accept ourselves with all our perfect imperfections, we become more qualified to choose the right person to spend our time, maybe the rest of our lives, with.

When we love ourselves and accept ourselves as we are, warts and all, we do not look for someone to shore us up, to fill in the gaps, to “complete us”; that is a myth perpetuated by Hollywood and Harlequin Romance novels.

It is not good to fall in love with the possibility that someone might morph into someone they clearly are not.

Become the person you want in your life, the one who loves you unconditionally; only then will you have clear sight of who is worthy of your love.

How do I know this, you might be wondering… well because I did choose myself, I did learn to love myself, and then I found someone who loves and respects me too. We will be happily married for four years in July; together for twelve years. It took us a little while to decide to tie the knot after our failed starter marriages. We both agree this one is the entree AND dessert; our lives and hearts are full.